The Power of Presence
One of the greatest challenges for me since becoming a mom has been allowing myself to be still and sit in my own conscious presence, sans distraction. I find myself avoiding it at all costs, as if the very idea of facing myself were the most awful thing that could possibly happen. It’s hard to be still … the mind chatter never stops, and when we force ourselves to stop “doing”, we are met face to face with not only the mental chatter, but also our never ending to-do lists, alllllllll of our unprocessed pain/grief/sadness, all of our unmet needs and longings, our secrets, our trauma, all of the light and the dark and the joy and the heartache and every bit of emotion in between.
Meditation is something I set a goal to do every day, and without fail, every single day I fail when it comes to turning intention into action. Believe it or not, I had a pretty solid mediation practice before having kids, but for some reason, since then, I have avoided it like the plague. I did, however, have an experience yesterday that motivated me to really buckle down and make this a priority, and I wanted to share that experience with you.
I did not mediate yesterday, but I went for a walk outside because we had the most outrageous weather here in NY. For the first 5-10 minutes of the walk I had my face buried in my phone. The sweet singing of the birds are what eventually pulled my attention away from my device. I looked around and realized that life was all around me, and yet here I was, sucked into some sort of quasi existence in this meta universe that only drained me of my energy and mental resources. In that moment, I acknowledged my addiction to not only my phone (which is nothing new or noteworthy), but to the general concept of distraction. I realized that for much of my life, I have functioned in a state of low key escapism- always running from the current moment, because for some reason, reality just feels too uncomfortable. I am soothed by distraction- ANY distraction. For years I have distracted myself with all sorts of modalities and vices, ranging from healthy distractions to severely unhealthy and dangerous ones.
Yesterday, I caught myself. It’s not often I am able to pull myself out of my numbing zone, but in that moment I was able to. I threw my phone into my bag and continued walking. I found myself every couple of minutes feeling the urge to pick my phone up …. To check social media, to add something to my Amazon cart, to check if I received an email back from someone, to set a reminder for myself … nothing imminent, yet they all pulled me with the force of a million magnets. I resisted. The resistance made me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I persisted anyway. After a little while longer, I stopped feeling pulled away, and instead started to feel more observant. It was as if my mind was surrendering to being where I was in that moment, so it started to take inventory on what was around me. I looked at the storybook-looking Tudor houses I passed. I noticed the green of the grass, and all the beautiful tulips and daffodils that were starting to bloom. I took in the vibrant colors that signify that New York has woken up from its wintery slumber, and the scents that hint at warmer longer days and fresh new beginnings. And the birds! Oh the birds. Their chirping and singing gave a big warm hug to my auditory senses. I’ve read somewhere before that bird chirping is calming for the nervous system, because back in the cavemen era, humans were able to tell if an area was safe from predators if they heard the birds singing freely. But I had never felt so affected by it before. Not like this.
Something then began to shift. I no longer was just observing what was around me…. I became fully immersed in it. I moved away from noticing it all with my mind, and started to FEEL it all. It was as if the sounds and smells and the sights and I suddenly became one. I felt the abundance of senses and delight fill my body …. Which then made my notice my body. I felt one with my body. I noticed how it moved with ease. I noticed my lack of any sort of pain or malaise. I felt the energy coursing through it, and I noticed my beating heart.
And that’s when I started to cry.
I sobbed and sobbed. I moved through so many emotions in this release. I felt sadness and grief, and then such intense gratitude. I continued to notice my body, to feel IN my body. I realized how often I feel at war with my body. Again, this is nothing new, but what a different experience it is to actually FEEL this instead of just cognitively understanding it. In this moment, body and I were one… and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for being in this body. For all this body does for me. I felt such deep thanks for being alive, for being here now, for having the chance to delight in all of the splendor, the wonder, the beauty, and the LOVE that this world and that my life has to offer. I felt sad for how much I run away from these things. Sad for how often I self sabotage. Sad for all the abuse I’ve put my body through. This was a different kind of sadness, though. It wasn’t a “ sinking, no way out” type of feeling. This sadness made me feel motivated to make changes so that I can be present enough in the future to soak more of this beautiful life up.
After I stopped crying, and after moving through several layers of high and low feelings, all that I was left with was peace. My mind was clearer. I felt more grounded. I felt like I was looking through my eyes, rather than keeping both half shut while functioning on autopilot.
I invite you to take some time today, tomorrow, and ideally every day, to break up with your distractions and just FEEL. Allow whatever happens to happen. Don’t judge it, just experience it. Even if just for a few minutes. “Meditation” doesn’t have to happen in the traditional sense, where you sit on a pillow with your hands in a specific mudra doing some type of breathing exercise. There are so many ways to invite in conscious presence into your life, and the biggest first step you can take is to start eliminating the distractions. I know it’s so hard!! It can feel downright physically painful at times. But what lies on the other side of that discomfort is more beautiful than any of us even realize.
I wish all of you a less distracted and deeply fulfilling week ahead.
Xo
Bianca